When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
