God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
