Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize