Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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