i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
