My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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