Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize