why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
