Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
