so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
