Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
