I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
