Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
