I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
