Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
