He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
