Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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