Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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