my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
