2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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