The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
