My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
