I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
