I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
