I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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