i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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