Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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