Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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