So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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