now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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