I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
