Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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