if only i could text you this smell
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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