Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
