1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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