marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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