Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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