Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
