i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I intend to get homeless drunk
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
