and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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