Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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