everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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