I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
