i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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