and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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