My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
