rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
