So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
