It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
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