I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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