how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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