Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
