It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
