My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
