when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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