Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
