We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
