mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
