We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
