I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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