i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
