i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
