He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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