We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize