i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
