She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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