fuck your aforementioned shoe
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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