More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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