Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You are a genius and a whore.
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