My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
